It’s getting really hard nowadays. I want to cry all the time but I just can’t seem to let anything out
I don’t miss you necessarily but I do wish that someone would hold me at night
And I’ve tried moving on but he doesn’t want me either. Nobody wants me
I’m always asking myself the same questions
Why am I not good enough?
Is it my body? My face? My hair? My words? My actions? My lack of action?
Sometimes I wonder if there really is something wrong with me
Maybe it’s just that I fall too hard and too fast and too clumsily and I’m too slow to pull myself back up
And I always end up bloody and scarred
It takes so much less effort to trip and fall than it does to drag yourself up out of the hole that some people call love
But you didn’t love me
It’s excruciating watching you love someone else
Everyone that I’ve ever wanted has always wanted someone else
Maybe everyone is better off with someone else rather than someone like me
But I’m scared. I need someone to be better with me. I need someone to choose me. I don’t want to be alone
I want to be safe and I want to be held and I want to be cared for and I want to be loved. I want love. I want it so badly
I don’t even know what love is, really
Whatever it is, it’s got to be better than this empty hole that I feel in my chest
It’s got to be better than tightly clutching the same pillow at night, wishing it was you or him or anyone at all
Maybe it would help me fall asleep
I can’t fall asleep
This bed is too big for someone who is feeling so small
Someone, anyone—please need me.